Adolescence is a time of significant learning for your child: teenage years are for discovering values, expanding interests, and forming meaningful relationships with friends and peers. Adolescence can also be a turbulent time, full of chaotic hormonal changes and confusing social experiences. And if your teen has difficult friendships, it can seriously impact their mental and physical health.
As therapists for teens and parents – and as parents ourselves – we know it can be easy to want to step in and take control of difficult friendships for your child. But trying to banish even the most tumultuous friends from your teen’s life can backfire. Instead, you can talk openly with your teen about their relationships and help support them in their choices.
Keep reading to learn how to spot signs of a teen struggling with friendships, why these friendships can hurt them, and how you and therapy for teens can support your teen through tough friendships.
What Are Difficult Teen Friendships?
Teen friendships are some of the most formative social experiences your kid will have growing up. Friendships, especially those in adolescence, teach young people how to connect and empathize with others. In all likelihood, your teen will experience all kinds of friendships in their lives, including difficult ones.
Someone who is on and off, hot and cold, sometimes cruel and other times kind, and often unreliable is sometimes called an “ambivalent friend.” These people can evoke strong mixed feelings, such as both fondness and fear or revulsion, in other people. If your teen has a friendship like this, their mixed feelings can be confusing, chaotic, and painful.
It turns out this type of relationship can be extremely unhealthy for people – even more unhealthy than a purely negative friendship. People who spent time with ambivalent friends had higher blood pressure than those who spent time with people they didn’t like at all. These relationships can also increase the risk of depression. Being around ambivalent “frenemies” even causes the nervous system to switch into “fight or flight” mode. So why are ambivalent relationships so much more upsetting than purely negative ones?
For one thing, ambivalent relationships can make someone feel extremely uneasy and on edge – like they’re constantly walking on eggshells and wanting to avoid school. Their friend’s reaction is unpredictable, and they never know what to expect. Will they be sweet or volatile? Will they say something nasty or supportive? Will they show up or ghost? Not knowing how someone will behave can be really stressful.
Another reason ambivalent friendships can be so tough is that they’re often even more painful than consistent cruelty. When you expect someone to be mean, you can adjust your expectations of them accordingly. But when you aren’t sure whether someone will stab you in the back or give you a big warm hug, it can be even more painful when they’re callous.
Signs of an Ambivalent Friendship
How can you tell if your teen is struggling with a difficult friendship?
One red flag of your teen having an ambivalent friendship is if their time spent with someone correlates with higher stress, anxiety, or depression for your teen. They might also tell you about time spent with this person and sound upset, hurt, or anxious when they talk about them. Specifically, your teen might be acting or feeling:
Sullen or moody
Jumpy, antsy, or irritable
Particularly preoccupied or distracted
Anxious or depressed
More worried than usual about their friend’s behaviors
Of course, there are plenty of other reasons why a teen might be acting these ways, such as hormonal changes, general stress, bullying, or social anxiety. To get to the bottom of it, talk to your teen and ask them questions about their friendships. Ask them how spending time with certain friends makes them feel, and listen without judgment.
Are Difficult Friendships Bad?
Healthy teen friendships are some of the most incredible experiences an adolescent can have. Teens can lift each other up, supporting one another through difficulties and changes. One friend’s compassion can help another friend learn to be kinder and more empathetic toward others. A friend who treats others with respect and dignity can help someone else be more respectful, too.
However, the reverse is also true: unhealthy friendships not only reduce your kid’s mental health, but they can also be a bad influence on your teen. This is why you might feel afraid and helpless when you watch your teen hanging out with people you know don’t have their back. You might worry their volatility will rub off on your teen, or that your kid will become meaner as a result of spending time with them. Furthermore, your kid’s peers can impact your teen’s use of substances and alcohol.
How to Help Your Teen With Ambivalent Friendships
It can be tricky for a teen to extract themselves from an unhealthy friendship. Things like peer pressure and the strong drive to belong can enable unhealthy dynamics within relationships.
As a parent, it may be tempting to step in and try to control their friendships. But forbidding your child to see or interact with their friends can lead to anger and betrayal. Plus, it doesn’t help them learn how to navigate difficult situations and make their own choices. Even though it can be hard to watch, it’s best to let your kid make their own decisions about who they keep as friends. However, you can have conversations with your child to help them in that decision-making process.
One way to help your teen with ambivalent friends is to teach them about boundaries and expectations. You can remind them, for example, that they don’t need to rely entirely on an ambivalent friend to get all their needs met. When your teen learns to modify their expectations of a difficult friend, they can learn to see that person as great in some contexts and maybe not in others.
For example, maybe your teen’s ambivalent friend is lots of fun and makes your teen laugh but isn’t there for them when they need a shoulder to lean on. If this is the case and your teen doesn’t want to cut ties, you can help your child understand that they can still choose to be friends with this person, but that they may need to go to someone else when they really need a listening ear. And this is okay! It’s healthy for teens to learn that they needn’t – and shouldn’t – expect to get all their needs met all the time from one person.
Teach Your Teen What a Healthy Relationship Looks Like
Additionally, teach your teen what it means to be in healthy, loving, mutually supportive relationships. By helping them understand and feel the difference between loving friendships and hurtful friendships, you can empower them to choose good companions for themselves.
Supportive, loving friendships involve people who:
Are honest and trustworthy
Encourage and celebrate each other
Don’t purposely hurt the other’s feelings
Feel safe and accepting
Act with kindness and respect
Apologize genuinely when they mess up
It’s important to remember that nobody is perfect. Almost everyone gets hurt by a well-intentioned friend at one point or another, and that’s okay. A healthy relationship is less about whether someone gets hurt and more about how each person tries to repair harm when it happens. Making sure your teen is well-equipped to seek out healthy, loving relationships is what really matters.
Therapy for Teens Can Give Your Teen Relief From Difficult Friendships
You don’t have to face your teen’s issues alone. If you or your teen wants support dealing with ambivalent friendships, we’re here to help with therapy for teens.
When you or your child works with one of our team of licensed therapists at Liz Morrison Therapy, we’ll help you understand how to work through difficult friendships and form healthier relationships. We support parents and teens to gain communication skills, build healthy friendships, and feel empowered and self-confident throughout the process.
Feel free to get in touch with us for a free 15-minute phone consultation. We can answer any questions you have, see whether we’re a good fit, and start working toward a better future today.
Help Your Teen Navigate Friendships With Therapy for Teens in Manhattan, NY
If your teen is struggling to navigate the complexities of friendships, specialized therapy for teens can provide the support they need. Our expert teen therapists at Liz Morrison Therapy are here to help your child build stronger, healthier relationships and develop the social skills essential for their growth. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
1. Contact us to schedule an appointment for Therapy for Teens
2. Begin meeting with a skilled teen therapist
3. See positive changes in your teen's friendships!
Other Services Offered at Liz Morrison Therapy
Liz Morrison Therapy offers services for the whole family. In addition to supporting your teen’s mental health and friendships in therapy for teens, our services also include Parenting Support for those looking to create healthy relationships with their children to help them live their best lives, Young Adult Therapy for individuals looking for support, guidance, and real-world strategies to help them deal with their struggles, and Anxiety Therapy for those wanting to cope with their anxiety in healthy ways. For more about us check out our Blogs and FAQs.